Surviving the Teen Years and Parenting
from Al Jamiat Vol 6 No 1

Teenage years are a difficult period for an individual struggling to find his place in the family and in society. He has to grapple with the physical, mental and emotional stress of pubescence, together with the ensuing demands of unbridled passion, and peer- pressure. It is an extremely sensitive stage of development, which parents have to nurture with care and discretion. Failing which, our great dreams for our children could suddenly turn into nightmares if they succumb to drugs, and booze, not to mention the grim prospect of contracting AIDS. It is therefore important that their energies and aspirations are channelled and expressed within a well-defined Islamic framework.

During the golden era of the Prophet (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam), society was divided into only two categories. An individual was either regarded as a child and granted all the privileges of childhood or as an adult who shouldered the responsibilities of adulthood. There was no intermediate phase of adolescence. ‘Teenagers’ were regarded as adults who used their energy and stamina to infuse into society the drive and enthusiasm necessary for the growth and preservation of Islam. They integrated into the adult world and contributed to the dynamic growth of Islam. They served as beacons of knowledge, justice, and courage. They bravely opposed the intrigue of anti Islamic forces. Even women married in their early teens and bore the responsibilities of nurturing and rearing their offspring with youthful agility. They fulfilled vital functions in the community and at the same time engaged in learning, nursing, and even defending the frontiers of the Dîn.

We can either choose to ignore reality and simply wish that it never happens to our children or commit ourselves to a constructive form of engagement with them. The latter would require more than just good intentions and noble aspirations. The youth are getting excessive doses of immoral behaviour, violence, sex, and drugs, not only from television, chat rooms, and video games, but also from peer networks, and enticing social trends. As parents we need to become pro active and fulfill the rights and dictates of parenthood upon our children. The following are a few guidelines that parents may implement...

LOVE ABUNDANTLY

The most important thing you can do is love your children and show that you really care about them. Even when preteens are acting "unlovable" or saying they don't need to be loved, they still need you to show your love. Such love gives children a sense of security and belonging. It helps smooth out the rough edges of those middle years. When you regularly express your affection, your children are unlikely to wonder if they are loved.

DISCIPLINE CONSTRUCTIVELY

It is also important to give clear directions and set limits on preteens and teens' behaviour. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Children get the message when you set up a few simple rules, spell them out clearly in advance, and enforce them consistently. When discipline is necessary, try to exercise it in a calm, but firm, manner. Follow through and, if your children try to talk you out of it, have the courage to stand firm.

TEND TO PERSONAL AND MARITAL NEEDS

It's important to put your own life in order. To get along well with your children, you first need to be comfortable with yourself and your partner. Remember to take care of your own needs so that you are not sacrificing everything for the sake of your children. In addition, love and respect between parents/guardians provide children with needed security. By expressing warmth and tenderness in your relationships, you will foster love and affection in the hearts of your children. Put your relationships first, for happy parents are most likely to have happy children.

TEACH AND ADVOCATE RIGHT FROM WRONG

When you actively teach your children basic values and good manners, they are more apt to identify right from wrong when they are away from you. You can show them how to treat others with kindness, respect, and honesty. By assigning chores at home, you can provide opportunities for them to be responsible people. Most important of all is the example you set for your children. Children tend to "act out" what they see at home.

OFFER GUIDANCE AND ASSISTANCE

When your children have problems and you want to offer guidance, be brief - it's not necessary to make a speech. Also, make it clear that you expect them to think through problems and come up with answers themselves.

FOSTER RESPONSIBILITY AND INDEPENDENCE

Gradually give your children more space and confidence over their own lives. Let them make minor decisions at first. As trust builds, give them more space within the shari limitations and make them feel like adults but always be near when they need you. However the control and authority of the parent should never be compromised at any stage.

LISTEN ATTENTIVELY

No matter how busy or involved you are listen to your child as a person. When you listen, you also encourage your children's expressions of feeling – both positive and negative - without fear of judgment or losing your love.

DEVELOP MUTUAL RESPECT

Insist that all family members treat each other with respect. It is important to be polite, apologise when you are wrong, show interest in your children's activities, and be willing to trust their judgment. In return, you deserve your children's respect. When parents treat each other with respect and kindness, they increase the chance that their children will do likewise.

BE REALISTIC

As your children reach the teen years, outside influences and peer pressure increase dramatically. During those years, preteens and teens need opportunities to make some choices - and making choices helps children grow. They will make mistakes, and they will learn from their mistakes. Take comfort in the fact that parents also make mistakes.

SPEND TIME TOGETHER

Setting aside time together for parent-child activities is important. Find time to talk with one another. Teach your children practical skills, such as cooking or repairing things. Plan for shared family activities and in house Deeni activity.